Please Don’t Call Me Selfless

"You are so selfless."

Once, I received those words as praise. Evidence of good character. Proof of generosity.

Now, when someone calls me selfless, I shudder a little.

I no longer hear only a compliment. I hear the dangerous possibility hiding behind it:

You are so good at putting yourself aside.

And I think: why should that be a virtue?

I spent years believing that goodness meant making room for everyone else. Give a little more. Be understanding. Don't make a fuss. Don't expect too much. If someone needs something and I can provide it, why wouldn't I?

The trouble with being praised for this is that praise can become a job description.

"You're so generous" can quietly become: so you'll do it again. "You're always there for everyone" can become: so of course you'll be there this time. "You never expect anything in return" can become: so please don't start expecting anything now.

And "you're so selfless" can become the most elegant trap of all:

Please continue disappearing. It looks so lovely on you.

I don't want that compliment anymore.

This does not mean I have stopped caring about other people. It means I no longer believe caring about someone requires caring less about myself.

There is an enormous difference between choosing to give and being assigned the identity of a giver.

Choice leaves me free. My kindness does not need to come with a lifetime service contract.

I no longer believe an act becomes purer because I receive nothing from it.

I want something from the things I choose to do. I want enjoyment. I want meaning. I want respect. I want enough energy left to create, laugh, rest, and live my own life.

I no longer trust any idea of goodness that requires me to disappear.

Exhaustion is not proof of love. Resentment is not proof of commitment. Staying after I want to leave is not automatically noble.

And sacrificing something simply because I can does not make the sacrifice necessary.

I don't need admiration for how little I require. I don't want a medal for putting myself last.

I would rather be free and happy.

These days, when someone declares "You are so selfless!" I smile politely.

A voice inside me responds:

Incorrect.

I am extremely self-ful.

Selfless asks me to disappear.

Selfish asks everyone else to disappear.

Self-ful lets all of us remain.

And I intend to stay that way.